Marmo’s Fridge – An Exposé!

The refrigerator is probably the kitchen’s most taken-for-granted-appliance. Often it becomes a dumping ground for foods that we don’t know what to do with. Like all the condiments you bought mostly because you liked the packaging, but you really don’t know how to use them. Or those eggs, how old are those? And dare you smell that milk to see if it’s good? Yeah, I thought not.

The state of my mom’s fridge is alarming. I’ve discovered new life forms in there. Marmo is a fantastic cook, but you would never know it from the state of her refrigerator. The Box has threatened to call the EPA, and if you open the door, various items may launch themselves at you, either because of a lack of space or because they’ve been in there so long, they JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!

Often, the Box opens the door, asks the contents of the fridge the following, “Who’s the President?” and receives the answer, “Truman!” Either that, or he opens it and just walks away cursing, usually leaving the door slightly open, creaking forlornly back and forth.

My favorite refrigerator-related incident was when myself, The Box, and Marmo were all gathered in the kitchen ’round the fridge (kind of like the campfire). The Box opened the door, and food containers just came spilling out, splattering on the floor. Marmo looked at the mess and declared, “This place is a PIG HOLE!” To which I responded, “Mom, I don’t think pigs live in holes. It’s either a s@%t hole or a pig sty. But yes, it is.”

Accordingly, what follows is a (mostly) complete itemization of the stuff in Marmo’s fridge (bonus door shelves follow!) spotted the last time I was there. Here we go:

1. Two milk containers, both opened: I grabbed one for a bowl of cereal, asking (innocently), “Why are there two containers of open milk?” Marmo’s response, “Oh, one of them isn’t good.” Then why….oh forget it.

2. Diet Orange Crush: The Box drinks this for breakfast. I can’t even express how grossed out I am by this.

3. One Egg Yolk in a Tupperware Container: Just in case, I guess.

4. Heavy Cream: Also one of two heavy creams in the fridge. Both opened.

5. Pizza Dough: Also, just in case. But this makes way more sense than the single egg yolk.

6. Roasted Red Peppers: A staple in the Iaciofano house. Used for antipasto, salads, and thrown into just about anything. If you can spot all the containers of these, you get a prize (yes, there are more than one).

7. Leftover Take-Out Chinese: But from WHEN??

8. Arm and Hammer Baking Soda: In the hopes that this one tiny box, shoved aaaalllllll the way in the back can do something to tame the madness within. Not a chance.

9. Some Kind of Swiss Chard and White Bean Stew: I actually took my chances with this one and ate it. It was good.

10. That COULD be Leftover Gravy From Thanksgiving: Help us all if it is.

11. Unopened Butter: And yes, our fridge does have a butter shelf, but apparently only OPENED butter goes in there, as you’ll see from the door photograph.

12. Eggs: We have an egg shelf too…

13. Meat and Cheese Drawer: Open if you can. It has been known to be so stacked with cold cuts that it gets stuck.

And now the door! Check out all these mysterious condiments! Who knows the last time they were opened…

14. Apple Jelly: What is this used for?

15. I Don’t Even Know: I could have turned the bottle around to check the label, but I forgot my HAZMAT suit.

16. Ponzu Sauce!: I feel like when you say PONZU! you need an exclamation point. Also, no idea what you use this for.

17. Maple Syrup: This is the good stuff.

18. Lard: Real, honest to goodness lard. Good job, Marmo.

19. Mascarpone Cheese: Once I opened a container of this stuff only to find a fuzzy, green mess. I actually have a photo of it, but I won’t horrify you all with that. Besides, I sent it to the CDC and am awaiting a response…

20. Various Asian Sauces: Plum Sauce, some kind of Thai flavoring…You know, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Marmo cook with these.

21. Hot Sauces: An assortment.

22. Hero Strawberry Preserves: Love this brand. My favorite is the blueberry.

As the holidays are approaching, Marmo’s refrigerator will become even more populated with random (and not-so-random) stuff. A filet mignon, heads of cauliflower and even more butter will all take up residence on the shelves, probably being horseshoed into the tight crevices between the ever-important Orange Crush and the carton of spoiled milk.

It will become a dangerous place for even the bravest of souls, items shifting and changing in the night, so that one moment you put in some left over baked ziti and upon retrieving it, find this in it’s place.

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Iaciofano Family Christmas Cookies

Like many families, the Iaciofanos have their own Christmas cookie traditions. We work with a general rotation of around 18 different species of cookie, depending on Marmo’s level of energy for baking (unbounded), our relative moods, and the amount of free space in the house for cookie hiding places.

Why make cookies and hide them, you may ask. Frankly, it is because The Box and John will eat them all before anyone else has a crumb.

The Box prefers 3am cookie feasts, delving into the overflowing tins when no one else is around. He thinks no one notices, and will even categorically deny eating any cookies at all. However, when you open a tin first thing in the morning (cookies are good for breakfast) and it looks like low tide at the bay, you know The Box has struck again.

In contrast, John will eat the cookies out in the open, but treats them much like popcorn, grabbing actual handfuls and walking away with them.

So we hide the cookies. Under side tables, up in high cabinets, inside dresser drawers, in the dryer. It only throws them off temporarily, but that’s usually all we need to make it to Christmas.

What follows are three Iaciofano cookie staples. Whichever other cookies we make, these are never out of rotation. They are:

The Pizzelle: a traditional Italian wafer cookie made with anise seeds.

Mexican Wedding Balls (aka Russian Tea Cakes): little snowballs of butter, sugar and pecans.

Butter Cookies: tree and wreath shaped cookies that are almost solidly butter.

My favorites are the Pizzelle. About 10 years ago, I rolled an uncooked ball of Pizzelle dough in a bowl of circular rainbow sprinkles before putting it in the special Pizzelle iron to cook. The result looked like a cross between a Fourth of July firework and a tie-died shirt. We’ve been doing this brand of abstract expressionist Pizzelle ever since. Here’s how it works:

What You Need:
6 eggs
2 Tablespoons vanilla extract
1 1/2 cup sugar
6 cups flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
1 cup melted butter
2 Tablespoons anise seeds (or to your preference)
Special Gear: pizzelle iron

What To Do:
Heat up your pizzelle iron.

Beat the eggs, adding sugar gradually. Beat the sugar and egg mixture until smooth. Add the COOLED melted butter (if you don’t cool the butter you will cook the eggs when you add it in).

Sift the flour and baking powder and add it to the egg mixture. Mix well, adding in the anise seeds as you go.

Roll the dough into small balls, then coat with sprinkles. Press them into the pizzelle iron and close the lid. Let bake a few minutes until very lightly golden. Lay flat to cool.

John loves the Russian Tea Cakes (an extremely close contender to the Pizzelle for me). Dusted with confectioners sugar, these buttery, pecan-y snowballs practically melt in your mouth. You can always tell when someone’s been at them, however, as the confectioners sugar tends to make a mess and you end up looking like the powdery version of a child with his first ice cream cone.

The following Russian Tea Cake recipe has been handed down from my grandmother (on The Box’s side) and is surprisingly easy.

What You Need:
1 cup of butter
1/2 cup confectioners sugar (plus more for dusting)
3/4 cup finely chopped pecans
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups flour

What To Do:
Mix together the butter and sugar until creamy. Add in the flour, nuts and vanilla to the butter and sugar mixture.

Roll the resulting dough into 1″ balls. Place on an ungreased cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes (may need a few more minutes – the bottoms of the cookies will turn a light brown). Remove them from the oven and while the are still warm, roll them in confectioners sugar.

Note: I also like to dust them a bit with the sugar after I roll them around in it. Makes them look a little more even (if you like that kind of thing).

Unsurprisingly, The Box prefers the simplicity of the Butter Cookies. Consequently, these are usually the first to disappear. This year my mom and I juuuuuust managed to get them packaged up and put away in a top secret location before he arrived home.

What You Need:
1 cup butter
3 oz. of cream cheese
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
2 cups flour
Special Gear: one of these cookie presses featured below:

What To Do:
Cream the butter and cream cheese, adding in the sugar while you mix. Then add in the vanilla. Slowly add the flour in increments, and mix well. Put the dough (not all of it at once, calm down!) in the cookie press and follow the directions on the box (this usually involves pressing the handle until the dough squeezes out through the stencil at the base of the cookie press).

Bake at 400 degrees for 8-10 minutes.

When you’re done, get a hold of some cookie tins in which to store all this buttery madness. The ones we have are horribly cheesy. Some of ’em are pretty darn old too. But they work. Then hide them around the house. If you’re lucky, you’ll forget where you put them and come across them accidentally in April while Spring cleaning your gutters.

Bonus points of you give me a good cookie hiding place!

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